Monday, April 1, 2013

Everything Elses Seems Like Second Best.

I have posted a lot about wanting to better myself in the time i have been using this and the below is no different.
Its all the same stuff i have already said over again.

12 months ago I was in a relationship with someone that was making my life horrible. I ended it about 10 months and since i had the courage to say i wasn't happy and end it i feel like i have been making positive improvements. I ended last year unhappy with myself and the position i was in, I had been working exceptionally hard for 3 years in a job that i no longer enjoyed and that consistently looked me over for promotions. I was living in a town where i felt i could never progress so i made a very hard decision to move away from my family, my support network, my very best friend and my comfort zone and headed to the ACT. I felt that it was time to move my son closer to his father and grandparents, and it was time for me to try to better my own position. Living in Wollongong was incredibly lonely and although i have some amazing friends nearby in Sydney i felt i needed to be somewhere with more familiar faces.

Moving to Canberra hasn't been a wholly positing experience for me. I am still incredibly lonely. I moved here with no house and only job security. Canberra is a whole lot more expensive living wise so i realised pretty quick if i wanted to find a house here i would need to get a new job. Which I did. In one day i doubled my income and put myself in a much more stable position. I was also lucky enough to be able to stay in the house i was living in temporarily because a good friend of mine decided to change her life to better mine. My relationship with Henrys father deteriorated rapidly to the point we can't even be in the same room anymore. 2 of my best friends moved not long after me getting here and I miss them terribly. Not having Henry around every day has been incredibly hard for me and some days i just sit and think if moving back here was the worst decision i have ever made.

I am happy with my new job. I am happy to be in a better financial situation. I am happy to be living in an amazing house with 2 other amazing ladies.

The thing that has made me most happy through this ordeal has been a person i wouldn't have had the opportunity of getting to know if i didn't move. If i didn't move to Canberra I never would have went to see him play that night. I never would have walked in halfway through his first song and had him flash me the biggest goofiest smile that made my heart skip. I never would have been able to talk him into staying the night and getting absolutely wasted and kissing me. I wouldn't have been able to fly to Melbourne 2 weeks later to see him because i couldn't get him out of my mind. This person is unlike anyone i have ever met before. His mind works in way i just want to understand but know i never will. I have no idea how this even came about but i am just so happy to have met him and made an amazing friend. In the last 2.5 months i have spent almost every spare weekend i have traveling interstate just to be around him. Because he is the kind of guy you don't want to be without.

Our relationship is going nowhere and can go nowhere because of a million reason and that absolutely devastates me but it wont stop me from giving my everything to make the most out of it when i can. Before he realises i am actually the messed up one that needs to be steered clear of and not the other way around.

Moving here was the best and worst thing i have ever done there have been alot of positives in coming here but i feel like my mental health has been the thing that suffered most. Just when i start to get it together it all falls apart again.

Maybe things will change but for now i stay forever the optimist and the hopeless romantic i have ever been.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Laying alone in a bed that smells like the person you wish was still next to you is pretty damn sad and lonely.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


Absolute roller coaster this year already, worked everyday from xmas to moving to cbr sans boxing day and new years day, spent my last few days in the gong with some beautiful ladies seeing some amazing musicians play the only venue in Wollongong worth mentioning which was a truly breathtaking experience, got some bro tats and absolutely fell in love with a stranger.

Packed all of our possessions( that were not all ready in storage ) into the car and made the trip to canberra, dropped my little man off at his daddys and my heart broke in two over the fact it wouldn't be me putting him to sleep every night and being there when he woke up in morning. Went to emas for a pick me up did a movie, came homw to a faimly dinner with my best mates and got way to pissed did a thing that's not internet friendly with a friend of mine which broke the drought

I'm pretty lucky to have a friend that can give me absolutely everything i need without any awkwardness, im lucky to have held down such a substantial friendship for so many years.

I went to see the glory days tour for a second time at the pheonix on sunday night and i almost didn't go, im so glad i did. it turns out the stranger i fell in love with had eyes for me too? Maybe i still have it? I DON'T KNOW. but the fact i have become absolutely smitten over a 35 year old school teacher from tasmania that released my Favorite record of last year has turned me on my head. I booked a YOLO flight to melbourne for australia day just to have the opportunity to spend a bit more time with him.

I cant even go anywhere but its nice just to have someone around.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

All the love.

At the start of this year i was sad all the time. I spent 6 months feeling isolated and alone feeling like i had no one i could call a friend. When my relationship ended, I started spending a lot more time with people that i actually enjoyed. I made some amazing new friends that i hadn't met before and became exponentially closer to one person in particular who has made life so much better for me.

Having someone in my life that i can look forward to seeing that has alot in common with me and stimulates me mentally and emotionally is fantastic. Having someone that lets me buy them things and share food/drinks/money recommends me music and lets me recommend them book and that lets me love the shit out of them is beyond amazing. I can not even begin to express how much love i have for this guy. Its pretty redic.
Its got to a point where i am going to be really sad to move. I will miss my friend.
Having this person in my life makes me a better person.

I think in life you have great loves whether they are great romantic loves, great passionate loves or great platonic loves there will be people that will enter your life and turn you upside down with the amount of joy they give you. This one is one of the great platonic loves of my life, a person that has changed me for the better without even meaning to, I appreciate his kindness and warm gestures more then you could ever imagine.

In another life this person could have been someone i could have seen myself falling in love with and having a life with. The kind of man you never would let go of once you had. But in this life he has to stay my best friend and casual husband on weekends


All the love.

Friday, November 23, 2012


A friend asked me to write something about Miles Away for a little book she is putting together, This is what i came up with,

The first time i saw miles away i was 15, new to the scene and one of the first hardcore shows i had been to. i can honestly say that day completely change my life. Growing up in a place where I always felt out of place and out of step discovering the hardcore community offered me something more, a place for me to be me without shame where it didn't matter your age, your race or your gender, we all had something in common. we are the outcasts that found a place. For me miles away epitomizes that feeling. I have been so lucky to have been able to spend the last 7 years listening to there records, going to their shows and having all night dance parties with them. My fondest memories of friends an my favourite shows are all miles away related. Sneaking into pubs underage during the dinner service and hiding in the bathroom until I heard the first band start up. Lying to my parents about staying at friends houses when I was really in Canberra at a show. Having the band sleep on the floor of my parents living room at the peak of my fangirlism and hoping none of the accidentally went into my bed room because I had their lyrics scrawled all over the walls. Everytime they toured I found myself going to as many shows as I could possibly get to whether it meant flying interstate, a 4 hour train trip to penrith or a fun road trip with my best friends. I was lucky enough to have been at some of the most memorable shows, The bondi house show Is a day I will never forget, extremely hungover and swelteringly hot. All those bodies squished into the smallest room with a full ramp installed, people were sliding into eachother next to noone was wearing a shirt it didn't matter if you didn't know the person next to you in that moment you were mates you could put your arm around them and scream along. The shows at the jamo in Canberra where something would always go wrong, the sound getting cut off and all of us being to drunk/excited to notice as carrying on like nothing had happened. When they played with lifetime at the manning bar and Dave broke his ankle? First song in and had to wear a moon boot for months. I was lucky enough to have them play my 19th birthday party at dryburgh st. We tried to keep it secret but 100's of people showed up as did police helicopters. One of the most memorable and raucous nights of my life. I did my first stage dive to miles away, I met my best friends at miles away shows, I told my best friend I was pregnant at a miles away show the first time i had the courage to go up thr front and "mosh" was a miles away show. Miles away have always been there in the seminal moments of my life. They are a band who's lyrics ring true to 1000's of people me included. I am thankful for all they have given me all the fun times I have shared with them and all the amazing memories they have created for me. Miles away will always hold a special place In my heart (this heart will never die)

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Crime in Stereo state of mind.

Oh Messy Life

My mind has been such a mess lately, I have been extremely hormonal and defeated, I can't seem to shake the feeling everything is about to come crashing down.

Henry has been cutting lots of new teeth the past month and went from 2 to 8 teeth, the lack of routine and lack of sleep has been soul sucking. I love my life with the little man but sometimes being a single mum is extremely hard. I don't like to let it get to me but spending hours every evening with the tiny man screaming at me and refusing to sleep has taken a huge toll on me.

Work has been crazy.

I'm begging for an escape at the moment.

I can't shake this crush and it's plaguing me and I can't even tell if its something substantial or if my mind is just clinging to some kind of ridiculous hope in a way to get me through this rough patch. I have an overwhelming feeling I'm going to get hurt without even trying to.

I think majority of the men i chase are untouchables, that there is no chance of feelings being reciprocated and it makes me want them more. Unrequited love is my specialty.

I go for guys that remind me of him and it's not all that healthy.

I am pining because I have been so lonely lately. Being around my people puts me at an absolute high and the comedown of coming home destroys me.

Only 2 and a bit months till I move and I wont have to deal with the comedowns anymore.

I just need to get over this lonely phase and this crush and get on with getting on.

Thursday, October 18, 2012


I was telling a friend last night that i feel like i haven't had a proper 'crush' on anyone in years.

I don't really ever have crushes on guys its more i think they are attractive and then i just go for it and see what happens.

An attraction and a crush are two very different things in my mind.

24 hours later i have a crush, and its weird. I don't think i like it and it makes me feel like a 15 yr old loser with a goofy grin and some kind of butterflies in the tummy thing going on.

Hopefully i get over it quickly.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Unprotected sex with multiple partners.

I just bought tickets to go see against me with my favorite ladies,
Pretty Damn Excited!

Also taking 6 days off work to go to canberra for my besties b'day
then on my last day of holidays going to see the swellers so its gonna be a lush week off.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Weeks End

On the weekend I was lucky enough to hang out with my 2 best girlfriends and see some of my fav dudes also. Drank a bunch of beers, talked alot of crap and just had an all round good time. I took Henry to canberra to spend the weekend with his daddy and needed to keep myself busy.