Can I go back and redo the last 4 years? I miss the way things were, forced to move on. I like the bronzing of the leaves, wishing that’s how it always was, and the way I was. I hate change.
Even If i Could Go back and re do the last 4 months or last 12. There is so much in my life i would change. So many thoughts left un said and so many things I did I wish I could take back. I think that, over the last year i have hurt so many people that didn't at all deserve it. Friendships I will never get back. Some of my best friends. But I have just done stupid shit, said stupid things, acted in a completely immature matter.... If I could take back every harsh word i have said tale back ever kiss with every person I didn't like. Take back every single drink, smoke, fuck I would do it in a second. I always wonder what my life would be like if i did not do something. If I did not move out of home the first time and shit like that. But I'm never going to know so i have to deal with my life the way it is. Deal with myself the way I am. This Depressed Self Loathing Alcoholic Individual that I am. I feel sorry every day. Sorry For myself and sorry for the people i have hurt but i will never take a step to fix anything because I'm to afraid to taking chances of being shut down of being laughed at. I wish i could just erase so much of my life and only keep the good memories, the bad memories out way the good in my mind. And the good memories are all that keep me alive. I need to find some kind of motivation so i can pull my self out of this rut of sleeping all day drinking all night never leaving the house. I need to get a life outside of these four walls. I need to let go of my fears and step outside of my house and be the same social person i used to be. Too bad i will never go back to that person. Too bad i wont ever find that motivation. Too bad i am the person I am.
So If you lurk this and you know you are one of those people talk to me. I want to work things out I'm jut to scared to make the first step.
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