I have been living back in Wollongong for 2 years at the end of the month. I love being close to my family and getting to see them all the time but i have found it to be a really isolating time in my life. I live for the weekend were i get to see my inerstate/incercity pals.
I have only a few friends here now because i burnt alot of bridges when i was younger and severed ties with pretty much everyone i was friends with in my teenage years.
I find it incredibly difficult to hold down friendships for more then a few months with majority of people.
I am incredibly irrational and have intense mood swings, at times I cant comprehend the fact that what I'm saying/doing may have a negative impact on someone else. Horrible things come out of my mouth like vomit, and i lack to control to stop it.
When i lived here before I drank all the time and let myself do things i knew were bad for me. Hence i hurt alot of people and they got sick of it and now we are no longer friends. When your a teenager losing a friend feels like the end of the world.
In two weeks my best friend is having a birthday, On the weekend i told her something she never knew about how she pulled me out of the worst day of my life. If it wasn't for her friendship I wouldn't be here today, A few years ago I went to visit her in the ACT, at the time I was in a horrible place within my self and was making my life harder then it needed to be by fueling my insecurity with alcohol. I was "in love" with a guy that wasn't in love with me and it made me tear myself apart, I used to drink and then become very hostile towards him which in turn destroyed me internally. I had an incredible hard time on this visit seeing him, because it tore me in two, one part of me wanted to love him and the other wanted to tear him to shreds. I came to a realistation on this trip that i was not only destroying my life with my behavior but his as well and because i loved him so much i didn't want to put him through it anymore. I decided that as soon as i got home to wollongong I would kill myself. I stayed at my friends house the next night after making this decision and in the morning i wrote notes to my friends i cared about trying to tell them why i had done it and why they shouldn't be upset and that i cared about them,I wrote a 10 page letter to the boy apologising for everything i had done and setting him free of me, i still have them all in a box and i read the often. I went home and took a bunch of pills put on the lion king and intended to drift of to sleep, then my friend messaged me about enjoying spending time with me and how she loved me even if i was a bit crazy and i snapped. I realised that its not all bad and i did have things to live for. I called my mum got her to take me to hospital, had my stomach pumped and was in a juvenile mental health ward for 2 weeks.If it wasn't for my friend messaging me that day i would have gone through with it.
I am incredibly lucky to have people in my life that can look past the things i have said/done and continue to love me. The people that have stuck by me through thick and thin and still manage to have an ongoing place in my life. I even have somehow managed to continue to be friends with that boy after everything i out him through and i don't know how he could ever find it to forgive me, I never have for the way i acted. People are incredible things, I hold these people so close to me, the good ones that i love the most. The people that can somehow mange to pick me up from the gutter every time and not hate me for it.
I am lucky to have some of the best friends in the world that have been my best friends for a good 7 years (more in some cases)If it wasnt for those people i would have never had the strength to get through that time in my life, I wouldn't be here today and I wouldn't have my son.
It only takes one person to reach out and say they care to make a difference in your life and I am so lucky my best friend did that for me.
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